I have had a a few unfortunate experiences lately in the Hobart cafe scene, where I seem to be unable to attract the attention of a waiter of legal age.

Not that there is anything wrong with a 15-year-old waiting tables. I was a spring chicken waitress myself once. And they have to start somewhere. But entire cafes staffed entirely by inexperienced children is starting to irritate me beyond all belief.

It makes me wonder, is there a lack of experienced wait-staff in Hobart, or are the venues in question employing only young ones in an effort to save a few pennies?

My good friend, a hospitality veteran who may or may not remember far back enough to recall being a 15-year-old waiter himself, was telling me the other day about a staff training session he witnessed at Zum in Salamanca. The 16-year-old manager was instructing a
15 -year-old waitress on her first day of the job, and teaching her how to make coffee. Now, I don't know about you, but I have my doubts as to why a successful business like Zum would even contemplate putting someone with no experience what-so-ever behind a coffee machine.

I also had an unfortunate experience over my breakfast at Plum cafe (also in Salamanca) this weekend. The poor army of teenagers emplyed there were really struggling to keep it together, although they were obviously trying their best. At least their barista, Rowan, is an experienced and highly regarded professional.

Waitressing is not rocket science, but it still requires a little guidance and training. I remember when I was 16 (yes yes, all those many years ago) when I first started waiting tables. I was terrified. I was the only waitress at this particular venue under the age of 21, and I did what I was told every single time, although I had no idea why. I was not swanning around with a bunch of other teenagers, having a bit of a chat, forgetting peoples orders and making a great many service faux-pas, because I had supervision. Work was not "fun" (well, not all the time).

These irritating little munchkins are hopefully going to get a good talking to by their managers. But somehow, I have my doubts.

Like my previous column on bad customer behaviour, the purpose if this column is to have a gigantic whinge. All that pent up anger and frustration can't be good for me, so I've decided to get it all out.

I'm home and bored on a Friday night, feeling a little ill. I thought I'd make the most of being sober at this time of day/week to entertain you all with more of my incessant ranting. Enjoy.

The top 15 things that customer service staff (waiters, sales people, bartenders etc) do that piss me off:

1. Forgetting my order. I feel so unloved. Especially when I am in a group, and everyone else gets their meal/ drink/ whatever, except for me.
2. Don't ignore me. Customer evasion, not the way to go. Don't pretend you don't see me. Unless I am waving, clicking whistling to get your attention. Just acknowledge my existence, and I'll be patient until you come to serve me.
3. Don't have a conversation with another member of staff while you are taking my order. I have wanted to walk off in the middle of many purchases.
4. Pet names. Sometimes, there is such a thing as over familiarly. I loathe being called baby/sweetie/ darling by anyone I am not sleeping with. And even then it's a stretch.
5. Obviously the customer is not always right. Neither is the service staff. Don't pretend you know the answer to my question when you clearly have no idea, go and find out.
6. Overzealousness. Clearing before all people finish breaks a massive service rule. Sure, it’s a little old school, but unless I'm at McDonalds… you get the picture.
7. Overzealousness.2. Taking away something I am not finished eating drinking. A waiter who is prising a half full latte glass from my iron grip is not my friend.
8. Crankiness never goes down well. Although lately when I encounter rude wait staff I see it as a personal challenge as to who can be ruder. I'm not setting a good example, I apologise.
9. Don't act as if a glass of water is a problem. I know it's free, but it is a pretty simple request. There is a good chance I am buying something else in your establishment.
10. Value judgments. So what I have a sudden craving for a vodka Red Bull? Don't look down your nose; you don't have to drink it. If we were all drinking gin from a bathtub we would be living with prohibition. It's 2009. Not everyone wants a classic anymore.
11. Back of house problems should never make it to the front of house. Bickering waiters make everyone uncomfortable. I am not in your establishment to resolve your in house politics.
12. Inappropriate clothing. Fine if there is no uniform, but don't put your boobs in my face. If you want to get your tits out go work at Hooters.
13. Money is dirty. Touching money, then grabbing food with fingers is filthy. Use tongs, they are there for a reason. It is a legal reason.
14. At the end of the night, slamming chairs and tables up around remaining customers is uncalled for. We get the picture. You are closing. The time allowed before this is acceptable is proportionate to the menu prices.
15. There is nothing worse than a waiter who reeks of booze. Go home and shower, put on some clean clothes, and try to get a little sleep before work.